Tag: bipolar

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t-r-u-s-t.

Rants of a Virgo

Trust. T. R. U. S. T. It’s this simple, five letter word which holds so much meaning. You lose it, you gain it, you break it and you restore it. Trust is a very resilient ideal. When you are bipolar, riddled with an anxiety disorder, trust becomes a battleground. Who to tell, who to lean on, and yes, who to trust. I shall even take it a step further. What happens when the person you cannot trust is yourself? The line is blurred. I question the most basic fundamentals in my life. I procrastinate major decisions to ensure my mood … Continue reading t-r-u-s-t.

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Struggles.

Rants of a Virgo

I’m bipolar. I take my thyroid medicine almost every day. I take my mood stabilizer every night. I understand the medical reasons behind why I am this way. I cry at a wall, unable to get out of bed. I have no interest in life. I don’t sleep. When I do sleep, I am barely able to wake up. I think about taking a blade across my wrists daily, an image in my head. I read the stats. I try exercise for a few months, eventually losing the energy to even go for a walk. I buy fruits and vegetables, … Continue reading Struggles.

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A Night Like This…

Rants of a Virgo

The day begins. It is bright with sunshine and it smells like sweet grass. The hours pass by in my manic blur. All I recall is happiness before the dusk settles in and night falls. The night brings sticky, humid air. It’s dark with too much silence in my world. Inside my mind, the wheels turn and I start to think. When you rise to a feeling of euphoria only to crash moments later as an overwhelming anguish settles in, thinking takes on a new meaning. I analyze every word of every conversation I had that day, that week, even … Continue reading A Night Like This…

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Fade To Black…

Rants of a Virgo

Erratic. Loud. Amazing. Callous. Cold. Spoiled. Beautiful. Manic. Crazy.   These words have been used to describe me, label me, and judge me. When one does not understand something, the first instinct is to attempt to classify it into something comprehensible. The labels were an attempt to position me into a niche I simply do not fit. In essence, I am a circle trying to fit into a square. During my teen years, I flew from wild thought to wild thought. Onto my next manic adventure, I chose love as my high of choice. The first infatuation was a euphoria … Continue reading Fade To Black…

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Catching Up

Rants of a Virgo

Before I was diagnosed as bipolar, I had the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps I was having a bad day, I was just moody, I some up on the wrong side of the bed. I had an excuse for being extremely happy and then despondently sad. My excuses were my security. As it evolved, it went from a bad day to a bad decade. I sometimes miss those excuses. I am still learning about my triggers, trying different medicine, and taking it one day at a time. As it stands, I cannot differentiate between spiralling into depression or simply having … Continue reading Catching Up