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To Anyone Who’s Gay, Mentally Ill and Coping With the Pulse Shooting Anniversary

Rants of a Virgo

“Never let anyone make you feel invisible, ignored or undeserving…” Below is a list of the names of the 49 victims of the Pulse Shooting so we never forget: Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old Amanda L. Alvear, 25 years old Oscar A. Aracena Montero, 26 years old Rodolfo Ayala Ayala, 33 years old Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old Angel Candelario-Padro, 28 years old Juan Chavez Martinez, 25 years old Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old Cory James Connell, 21 years old Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 … Continue reading To Anyone Who’s Gay, Mentally Ill and Coping With the Pulse Shooting Anniversary

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Waiting 

Rants of a Virgo

Waiting on something to happen; I don’t know what it is. Ever get that feeling in the pit of your stomach that everything you’ve ever known is about to be turned on its head? I couldn’t keep it in my mind any longer. I have to express this mysterious intuition to someone, anyone and in this day and age, the entire internet seems as good a forum as any.  Continue reading Waiting 

Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Suicide PreventionLeave a comment

How My Father’s Suicide Forced Me To Acknowledge My Own Mental Illness

Rants of a Virgo

I was a fatherless daughter. When I was 2, my father died. It was not an “accident.” It was not old age. He died by suicide. Every year, Father’s Day cruelly mocked me. My relationships with men were cautionary tales. I was in a spiral. Self-harm, a teenage eating disorder, attempted suicide and depression were gaslighted to a degree in which I was convinced I was a moody teenager looking for attention. Barely surpassing legal drinking age, my life was in such disarray I gut-wrenchingly decided to place a son for adoption to give him his best shot. I still was not … Continue reading How My Father’s Suicide Forced Me To Acknowledge My Own Mental Illness

Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Mental HealthLeave a comment

Auto Pilot

Rants of a Virgo

  I hear a commercial vaguely on the television, my son is playing in his room where I hear the occasional roar of a pretend dinosaur and there is a quiet jingle of a collar as my dogs run around. Inside my mind there is a constant stream of disconcerting thoughts I have no control over. I feel gut wrenching guilt, bottomless hopelessness and an abyss of emotions I have no actual words for. It is like I am underwater, my senses are dulled and I am not entirely sure how it is 8:00pm when it was only 3:30pm a … Continue reading Auto Pilot

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When You Can’t Be There

Rants of a Virgo

My mom asked me to take her somewhere today.  I’d explain to her that the side effects of my medication left me up most of the night & I am now too fatigued to drive anywhere. My muscles and joints ache and my memory isn’t the greatest. I’d explain that my mood isn’t currently stable. I’d explain that standing in line in the DMV is not an option for me since I cannot stand for long periods of time. I’d explain that large crowds and driving thru morning commuter traffic is a trigger for a panic attack and when I … Continue reading When You Can’t Be There

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Here’s A Toast

Rants of a Virgo

Here’s a toast to hope A hope the money was worth it Look at how it makes all the pretty things shine Awake before the sunrise Invest your soul into a grind That lovely house on a hill Seen only after sunset Dragging your weary body into bed Awaken tomorrow Crying out for something else instead Open the champagne Thank a deity it’s Friday Forty-eight hours to live a life No end to this emptiness in your sight Thank a deity that your bills are paid Sell our souls for a living wage Here’s a toast to hope A hope … Continue reading Here’s A Toast