Friends, Fear and Watermelon.

Let’s talk about fear. Fear is a necessary part of life. It protects us from poisonous animals, falling from great heights and being in that serial killer documentary as a victim. However, fear can also be debilitating. It keeps us from flying across the world, feeling the exuberance of a roller coaster or from delivering a once in a lifetime speech to a crowd. However, few fears rule our hearts like the snake that is anxiety and social expectations. Sure, the occasional bout of anxiety is simply part of life. Whether it’s a test that’s coming up, a work presentation … Continue reading Friends, Fear and Watermelon.

How My Father’s Suicide Forced Me To Acknowledge My Own Mental Illness

I was a fatherless daughter. When I was 2, my father died. It was not an “accident.” It was not old age. He died by suicide. Every year, Father’s Day cruelly mocked me. My relationships with men were cautionary tales. I was in a spiral. Self-harm, a teenage eating disorder, attempted suicide and depression were gaslighted to a degree in which I was convinced I was a moody teenager looking for attention. Barely surpassing legal drinking age, my life was in such disarray I gut-wrenchingly decided to place a son for adoption to give him his best shot. I still was not … Continue reading How My Father’s Suicide Forced Me To Acknowledge My Own Mental Illness

Auto Pilot

  I hear a commercial vaguely on the television, my son is playing in his room where I hear the occasional roar of a pretend dinosaur and there is a quiet jingle of a collar as my dogs run around. Inside my mind there is a constant stream of disconcerting thoughts I have no control over. I feel gut wrenching guilt, bottomless hopelessness and an abyss of emotions I have no actual words for. It is like I am underwater, my senses are dulled and I am not entirely sure how it is 8:00pm when it was only 3:30pm a … Continue reading Auto Pilot

Rise & Fall

Rise. Fall. Rise. Fall. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. My lungs fill with air. It’s cold and clean. It’s winter morning in my chest. I’m trying to focus on my breathing. My heart is literally skipping beats. No measure of oxygen is enough to calm this terrifying pounding. This is a panic attack. It’s my third one this week. The triggers blur together now. No longer is it one instance… It is any number of things that send me falling off a cliff. Medicine is a patch that soothes the body in one moment, deceiving it into calmness. The … Continue reading Rise & Fall