Rise & Fall

Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.

My lungs fill with air. It’s cold and clean. It’s winter morning in my chest. I’m trying to focus on my breathing.

My heart is literally skipping beats. No measure of oxygen is enough to calm this terrifying pounding.

This is a panic attack.

It’s my third one this week. The triggers blur together now. No longer is it one instance… It is any number of things that send me falling off a cliff. Medicine is a patch that soothes the body in one moment, deceiving it into calmness.

The breathing does not work. I swear I can hear my blood swirling in my ears. The biggest fear is the manner in which your body and mind turn on themselves. A minor mishap feels like you will pass out in terror or that a heart attack is imminent. Thus, I pop a pill to trick myself into a docile state. I feel like Alice down the rabbit hole, drinking her potions and the results never coming out quite the way they should.

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