Tag: Depression

Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Mental Health, Suicide PreventionLeave a comment

How My Father’s Suicide Forced Me To Acknowledge My Own Mental Illness

Rants of a Virgo

I was a fatherless daughter. When I was 2, my father died. It was not an “accident.” It was not old age. He died by suicide. Every year, Father’s Day cruelly mocked me. My relationships with men were cautionary tales. I was in a spiral. Self-harm, a teenage eating disorder, attempted suicide and depression were gaslighted to a degree in which I was convinced I was a moody teenager looking for attention. Barely surpassing legal drinking age, my life was in such disarray I gut-wrenchingly decided to place a son for adoption to give him his best shot. I still was not … Continue reading How My Father’s Suicide Forced Me To Acknowledge My Own Mental Illness

Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Mental HealthLeave a comment

Auto Pilot

Rants of a Virgo

  I hear a commercial vaguely on the television, my son is playing in his room where I hear the occasional roar of a pretend dinosaur and there is a quiet jingle of a collar as my dogs run around. Inside my mind there is a constant stream of disconcerting thoughts I have no control over. I feel gut wrenching guilt, bottomless hopelessness and an abyss of emotions I have no actual words for. It is like I am underwater, my senses are dulled and I am not entirely sure how it is 8:00pm when it was only 3:30pm a … Continue reading Auto Pilot

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Less.

Rants of a Virgo

Less space you inhabit. More you’re worth. My racing thoughts are uncontrollable. My ship is off course. It’s capsized. I’m drowning. No one can see. Smaller bites. Smaller servings. Congratulations on less of my existence. Down Alice’s rabbit hole where I drink that potion that makes me shrink. I’m losing this fight. I’m losing. I don’t know how much more I can endure, because I keep enduring it. Testaments to strength, medication or will. I have no clue. How do I continue to wake up and slowly die each day a little more in a soul I’m not sure I … Continue reading Less.

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t-r-u-s-t.

Rants of a Virgo

Trust. T. R. U. S. T. It’s this simple, five letter word which holds so much meaning. You lose it, you gain it, you break it and you restore it. Trust is a very resilient ideal. When you are bipolar, riddled with an anxiety disorder, trust becomes a battleground. Who to tell, who to lean on, and yes, who to trust. I shall even take it a step further. What happens when the person you cannot trust is yourself? The line is blurred. I question the most basic fundamentals in my life. I procrastinate major decisions to ensure my mood … Continue reading t-r-u-s-t.

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Struggles.

Rants of a Virgo

I’m bipolar. I take my thyroid medicine almost every day. I take my mood stabilizer every night. I understand the medical reasons behind why I am this way. I cry at a wall, unable to get out of bed. I have no interest in life. I don’t sleep. When I do sleep, I am barely able to wake up. I think about taking a blade across my wrists daily, an image in my head. I read the stats. I try exercise for a few months, eventually losing the energy to even go for a walk. I buy fruits and vegetables, … Continue reading Struggles.

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Midnight Quiet

Rants of a Virgo

A few moments are midnight… Everyone is asleep except for myself. I attempt to wile away my insomnia with television, books, and social media. Surprise, none of it works. In the bitter cold of January, it’s more than the air outside that has a bite to it. This is the time of year my depression is in fine form, out for all to see. Amid the aftermath of tinsel and twinkle lights, a darkness settles I cannot shake. But for all the beautiful pills I consume morning after morning simply to keep me alive in this sickness, I’d have faded … Continue reading Midnight Quiet

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Fade To Black…

Rants of a Virgo

Erratic. Loud. Amazing. Callous. Cold. Spoiled. Beautiful. Manic. Crazy.   These words have been used to describe me, label me, and judge me. When one does not understand something, the first instinct is to attempt to classify it into something comprehensible. The labels were an attempt to position me into a niche I simply do not fit. In essence, I am a circle trying to fit into a square. During my teen years, I flew from wild thought to wild thought. Onto my next manic adventure, I chose love as my high of choice. The first infatuation was a euphoria … Continue reading Fade To Black…