(A bit last in my repost from The Mighty) As 2017 reached its end, I found myself at an impasse. Though 2017  brought about wonderful things, such as my long-held dream to graduate college, the ever-present struggles were always waiting in the wings. As my loved ones describe their resolutions, I cannot help but think of all the resolutions I have made. They are inevitably broken by February and I am left with the emotions of disappointment within myself that only fuels the flames of my illnesses. Ideals that were meant to improve my life and my conditions only served … Continue reading My 2018 Goals, Not Resolutions, as a Person With Bipolar Disorder

Fire freezes my heart Warmth is nowhere to be found I turn in circles I search all around My blue eyes find the sky In my heart I find the stars Between each cluster is the truth Yet it’s misconstrued Jade mockery The pretty lines The truthful lies No one hears my cries My tears will fall in silent reverie Daydreams shift to nightmares This lightness in my air Turns to chains You had me at your beck and call Anything you’d ask I’d do it all You didn’t ask me to fall Fall I did This irrevocable love Of … Continue reading Rule Of Three

Some people are naturally selfish. Drawing on your energy and your empathy until there is nothing left. They’ll pretend to care but in reality you are methadone when they want heroin. Don’t be fooled by this facade. It’s dirty, leads to troubled roads and is never what it appears to be. They only care for their own needs, simply feigning to do so in the guise of sympathy in order to gain access to your empathy so that they may drain you dry. They’ll never care. They’ll never be the fantasy you build in your head. You will never even … Continue reading Poison In The Air

Bitter cold on my skin I long to lie beneath again Kept warm by the sweetest sin This imbalance in my mind Reaches down into my soul I feel the reigns letting go Tie me down Press me against the wall Are you holding me up Or am I starting to fall Bitter memories You never knew The way you touched me You can’t undo Sweet addiction beckoning me closer I feel the taste I feel the high I know I’ll fall to pieces after all the lies This shattered mirror Reflecting back at me I’m standing still No longer … Continue reading Shatter Me Not

August 3rd was a day I marked on my calendar very early this year. It was my graduation day. The sleepless nights, anxiety, mania and exhaustion were battle scars and my diploma was my victory. As I watched my fellow classmates enroll in campus classes, I remained in my online classes, content to be in the safety of my little house. I only had to drive to campus for supervised exams and then I got to go home again. As summer passed, August loomed closer and my excitement mounted. I bought my cap and gown. There were announcements with my … Continue reading Social Anxiety Meets Graduation 

Mental illness hurts.  No, I’m serious, it hurts.  After many years of suffering mental symptoms, I sought refuge in a great psychiatrist and primary care physician and we have worked closely to create a treatment plan to assist me in living my best life. At first, it was great. However, after the initial relief of treatment began to wane, I began to notice little things that seemed unrelated to my mental illnesses. My heart would race and palpitate. I was suffering from terrible night sweats and insomnia. I could not even concentrate on the most simple task and the icing … Continue reading Let’s Get Physical… 

Endocrinologist.  Primary care physicians. Psychiatrist.  Endocrinologist again.  CT scans. MRIs. Blood tests and stool samples <– because that one was fun to say. All to find out why I’m in constant pain. Why my joints ache. Why my muscles are weak. Why my heart races. Why I’m so fatigued I can’t get out of bed.  I take their medications, I just through their hoops and for what? No answers. I feel like I’ve taken dozens of tests (which in retrospect I have) and I don’t know if I’m passing or failing.  Today was shit. Like, I have the whole gratitude … Continue reading Current Situation