Rise & Fall

Rise. Fall. Rise. Fall. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. My lungs fill with air. It’s cold and clean. It’s winter morning in my chest. I’m trying to focus on my breathing. My heart is literally skipping beats. No measure of oxygen is enough to calm this terrifying pounding. This is a panic attack. It’s my third one this week. The triggers blur together now. No longer is it one instance… It is any number of things that send me falling off a cliff. Medicine is a patch that soothes the body in one moment, deceiving it into calmness. The … Continue reading Rise & Fall

Struggles.

I’m bipolar. I take my thyroid medicine almost every day. I take my mood stabilizer every night. I understand the medical reasons behind why I am this way. I cry at a wall, unable to get out of bed. I have no interest in life. I don’t sleep. When I do sleep, I am barely able to wake up. I think about taking a blade across my wrists daily, an image in my head. I read the stats. I try exercise for a few months, eventually losing the energy to even go for a walk. I buy fruits and vegetables, … Continue reading Struggles.

Character.

When I was 14, I was 40. I was omnipotent and brilliant and an excellent judge of character. Clearly I was an idiot. Let’s examine that word for a moment, “character.” It has many meanings, but I interpret it quite differently these days. Fairy tales, novels, television shows, movies… they all contain our favorite characters. The faces shown to the world are of our own choosing. We can depict ourselves in most any light we choose. Side note, don’t depict yourself in fluorescent lights. We never know who someone truly is. Whether your realizations are a pleasant surprise or a … Continue reading Character.

Aches

That dull ache low in your belly. A sharp pain in your back. The ache of being betrayed.  Of all the flowers in the garden, I am not the brightest; make no mistake however, for you cannot forget my bloom. Painting do not adorn my pale skin. Though my heart is pierced, my body is only slightly done.  I describe myself in such a manner because it is often the loudest cry that implores to be heard. I do not cry loudly. I do not scream. I am silent in my ache. It does not lessen the pain of any … Continue reading Aches

Wings of a (Fallen) Angel

In the fables In the tales  Their beauty unsurpassed Ivory feathers serve as wings  Gliding higher Surveying our earth beneath  How we longed to fly  Not merely gliding  But soaring towards heavens above  Oh, but lovely arrogance I found a way Like Icarus before I fashioned my own wings  Ebony, tip to tip, they shimmer in between  I climbed to the very top of the mountain  On the edge of that cliff, I jumped.  Fears overcame my logic I did not trust the current lifting me higher  I did not see the perfect glimmer of a night sky I did … Continue reading Wings of a (Fallen) Angel

Running in Wonderland

Deep in slumber I fall… Down Alice’s rabbit hole Thru the looking glass I’ve taken a potion or two To get thru the day Now the mirror is shattered Seven years of bad luck and a thousand reflections greet me  Now that I’m here in this Wonderland  I run through the mist Running, each night Running.  I never find what I long for That comfort I seem to crave  The curling fog of Wonderland  Swirls round the dancing grave  I take another potion  To make the climb back out  The rabbit hole behind the iron gate  Lovely marble stones abound  … Continue reading Running in Wonderland

Stars

It’s 2 o’clock In the morning. Thump.         Thump.                 Thump. Goes my heart. I inhale sharply No breath reaches inside Burning ache fills my chest Air is replaced with tears They drown me from the inside out I told you once, when I am sad … My blue eyes turn gray. In these early morning hours, they are the color of steel I struggle to think Were the memories real I needed something to feel I walked outside From the whiter shade of pale My skin turned pink from the cold I dared look up to Heaven It was … Continue reading Stars

Midnight Quiet

A few moments are midnight… Everyone is asleep except for myself. I attempt to wile away my insomnia with television, books, and social media. Surprise, none of it works. In the bitter cold of January, it’s more than the air outside that has a bite to it. This is the time of year my depression is in fine form, out for all to see. Amid the aftermath of tinsel and twinkle lights, a darkness settles I cannot shake. But for all the beautiful pills I consume morning after morning simply to keep me alive in this sickness, I’d have faded … Continue reading Midnight Quiet

Blind Man

You’re a blind man Struggling to find your way In a world full of darkness In your ear you hear her siren song But my dearest She is terribly off key Listen as you ought She can never shine next to me But you don’t see my light do you dear In the cold where you live Yo u are blinded by your own struggle Open your eyes And you see into mine Remember this moment The night you saw your ice princess burn Continue reading Blind Man